Presently: September 2023 – Peanut Butter Fingers
8 min read
As for right now, I’ve my espresso in hand and I’m prepared to speak with you guys however my mind feels jumbled and my feelings are admittedly far and wide. I’ve one million completely different concepts for right now’s weblog submit and figured I’d go forward and mesh all of them collectively within the type of a “Currently” blog post — aka the right all-over-the-place type weblog submit that makes it straightforward to share just a little little bit of every little thing swirling round in my frazzled mind proper now. My final “Presently” weblog submit was in February so I figured we’re overdue anyway. Let’s dive in!
Presently: September 2023
- Presently Soaking Up… the final of summer time
We’ve had some cooler mornings over the previous week or so which have me craving sweater season however one other a part of me is conserving my ft firmly planted in summer time so long as doable. I like lake days, pool time and feeling heat sunshine on my pores and skin. We had 14 children and 11 adults over on Sunday for almost six hours of enjoyable on the lake and it made me so, so comfortable. Once we constructed our dwelling, we envisioned internet hosting family and friends and all-day gatherings and seeing our children gentle up as they splashed and swam within the lake made me really feel so grateful for the one billionth time.
- Presently Can’t Imagine… it’s (lastly) again to highschool for ALL of our boys!
After dwelling in limbo for 3 weeks with Chase at school and Rhett and Ryder semi-patiently awaiting the start of their preschool yr, all three boys are again at school this week (with a staggered begin for Rhett for 2 weeks however at the very least it’s one thing). This bizarre limbo zone of 1 child at school and two children out of college admittedly wasn’t my favourite. I LOVE summer time and adore it when all children are dwelling and we’ve full freedom in our schedules and I like the routine that comes with the college yr however the limbo zone of college for one child and no faculty for 2 wasn’t my favourite. Apparently I’m an all or nothing sort of lady with summer time or the college yr so now that we are able to formally say faculty is in session in our home, I really feel like I can start to embrace our new routine.
- Presently Trying Ahead To… Cheering for Ryan throughout his first FULL IronMan!
After months of back-and-forth, Ryan formally registered for his first FULL IronMan. He’s accomplished three 70.3 IronMan races and has one other one he’ll be doing with my brother-in-law on his schedule for the top of September however he’s had a full IronMan at the back of his thoughts for some time now. A full IronMan is a LOT — we’re speaking 140.6 miles (a 2.4-mile swim, 112-mile bike and a 26.2 mile run) — and I’d be mendacity if I mentioned I wasn’t just a little nervous for him. The gap simply completely blows my thoughts however I additionally know he completely can do it. He’s devoted, motivated and robust and we’ll be rooting for him throughout the race and within the two months main as much as it as his coaching kicks into full gear.
- Presently Remembering… Greg
Dropping my father-in-law was one of many hardest issues our household has confronted. It’s one thing we nonetheless wrestle with and take into consideration typically, particularly as grief manifests in several methods. The opposite day I learn Brittany’s blog post the place she touched on dropping her father greater than three years in the past. Her phrases had been highly effective and there was one a part of her weblog submit I’ve discovered myself interested by on repeat. I wished to share her phrases right here for anybody else who is likely to be navigating loss in a method or one other.
“One factor I learn about myself now’s that I don’t wish to dwell within the adverse. Nonetheless, I’ve pushed myself these days to take the time to really feel, actually really feel, this stuff earlier than taking a deep breath and recentering on the attractive life proper in entrance of me. ‘Change the channel,’ as dad used to say. I imagine that the complete spectrum of feelings make us human and I need to expertise all of it, whereas all the time returning to face the sunshine.”
Her perspective felt just like the reminder I wanted to sit down and really feel the immense ache that may bubble up once I take into consideration Greg and about what all Ryan skilled and is experiencing referring to the lack of his father. It additionally served as a reminder that it’s okay to really feel these issues, cry the tears we have to cry and take these shaky deep breaths even after we know what we’ve proper in entrance of us is one thing to cherish.
- Presently Ruminating Over… Our “ought to be” due date
I haven’t talked a lot about our fourth miscarriage since sharing just a little bit about it again in January after which relating our loss once more once I mentioned our household’s thoughts on a fourth child in March. A giant a part of me seems like I’ve exhausted all discussions of miscarriage on this weblog and one other a part of me realizes it’s in all probability actually freaking annoying to examine for anybody on the market whose longing for a kid (nevertheless that will look) goes unanswered. It additionally felt “small” (for lack of a greater phrase) in comparison with the immense loss we felt when my father-in-law handed away.
On the similar time, one other a part of me acknowledges that utterly ignoring this loss on this area isn’t being true to myself both. To be sincere, it’s one thing I’ve discovered myself struggling extra with not too long ago, as our “ought to be” due date got here and went in August.
My coronary heart is struggling as a result of I want so deeply I had our child at dwelling with us proper now. I want I had our child sleeping on my chest as I kind up this submit. On the similar time, I nonetheless very a lot stand agency within the phrases I shared again in March and never one single factor has modified since then referring to rising our household. (We’re not attempting for a child and certain won’t ever once more. The considered being pregnant once more fills me with intense nervousness and I meant it once I mentioned I don’t assume my coronary heart can undergo it once more.)
Whereas I discover myself eager for the newborn we misplaced, it’s that child I’m grieving and eager for and never essentially one other child. This will not make any sense to lots of you studying on the market (and I’m unsure it might’ve made sense to me after our first losses once I was very agency in my emotions surrounding wanting extra kids) but it surely’s virtually like a multitude of grieving the newborn we misplaced and praying for peace as we proceed to maneuver ahead into the following section of parenting. It’s a section that’s so great and enjoyable and thrilling and a section I’m prepared for but it surely additionally feels so very last to say that’s the place we’re headed. There’s a swirl of feelings that bubble up once I give it some thought and people emotions have solely felt all of the extra intense because the “ought to be” due date of the fourth child we misplaced got here and went final month.
- Presently Feeling… comfortable heartache
Final evening I had a second the place I discovered myself sitting on the bottom within the boys’ bed room with tears rolling down my cheeks. We had been about 20 minutes right into a rockin’ dance social gathering and Chase and Ryder requested me to cease dancing and sit down and watch them. As I watched our three boys dance of their matching pajamas with none inkling of self consciousness and as I watched them soar and shake and twirl with pure pleasure, I couldn’t assist the tears. I discovered myself stuffed with what I can solely describe as comfortable heartache.
I discovered myself questioning how for much longer they’ll need to do that collectively. I discovered myself absolutely recognizing the years of unabandoned dance events aren’t infinite and the years stuffed with our boys trying to me for consideration, love and every little thing received’t final. It shouldn’t and it’s my job to ensure it doesn’t however the way in which I felt final evening additionally served as a reminder to soak all of it up.
As Ryan and I let Pepper out collectively after the boys had been in mattress, I instructed him the tears got here final evening as a result of I do know deep inside my soul that there’s going to be a time sooner or later — in 10, 20, 40+ years — once I would do something to relive final evening’s dance social gathering. We’re within the absolute thick of parenting younger children and that doesn’t come with out its challenges however we’re additionally within the thick of probably the most extremely candy, lovable, great, consuming, enjoyable and joyful years, too. I do know it. I really feel it. And I need to cherish it.
Questions of the Day
Choose a “Presently” or two and share…
- Presently absorbing…
- Presently can’t imagine…
- Presently trying ahead to…
- Presently remembering… (Should you’d wish to share extra about somebody you’re lacking deeply and remembering, I’d be honored to learn extra about them. I do know generally it will probably really feel good and cathartic to share one thing good about somebody you miss a lot.)
- Presently ruminating over…
- Presently feeling…
